Thursday, August 11, 2011

Mega Piranha (USA, 2010) - review

aka MEGA PIRAYA (Scandinavia)
directed by Eric Forsberg

I watched MEGA PIRANHA tonight and, my gawd, this is without a doubt one of the biggest turds I've had the pleasure of sitting thru, haha. The computer generated special effects were shit, they looked like something from a cheap, very cheap, computer game. The acting was shit, the lead character (played by Paul Logan, and I'm not even going to call him an actor cos I would probably get sued by the Actors' Guild) grunted his lines with the same confidence as if he were repeating lines in Russian without knowing what they meant. And thru out the entire film scenes and movements kept speeding up like in a fucking computer game.

Anyhoo, the story line: A boat with the US ambassador to a *bad* country in South America is attacked at the beginning of the "film" and everyone on board (including naked chicks) is eaten by big killer piranhas. These killer fish are so bad-ass they even eat the fucking boat! Back in the US the minister of fucked up affairs asks his Dolph Lundgren wannabe (aforementioned "actor" Paul Logan) to go down there and sort things out.

Once down there, ThirdRate-Dolph runs into an American scientist woman (played by 80s American pop chick Tiffany) and her two male scientist buddies who have created a new fish (or know about a new fish or some such, I'm not quite sure, I think it was probably explained while I was pouring coffee or stuffing chocolate and chips into my face in order to feel I wasn't wasting my time completely!). The local military is crooked and evil so our friends have to not only fight the killer fish, that keep getting bigger by the hour, but also fight the evil Devil worshipping cannibalistic zombie military. Okay, I'm exaggerating by 300% here (actually it would have made it heaps more fun IF they had been Devil worshipping cannibal zombies!).

Anyway, they fight, the fish escape from their pond, they get bigger, they fight more, the fish get bigger by the hour, the computer effects get worse by the minute, ThirdRate-Dolph keeps grunting, and ... it's all a mess!

MEGA PIRANHA is a piece of shit if I ever saw one. But, hey, that's not to say I wasn't entertained (cos I was) but that's only because my standards are so extremely low that I'll find poking a sleeping dog entertaining. There were some wild scenes in the film that we haven't really seen before, like killer fish attacking a big war ship and eating a helicopter and shit like that. The film makers (please don't sue me for calling them "film makers"!) obviously thought "bigger is better" and made eveything bigger. Well, not quite *better* but at least bigger. What we DIDN'T get was lots of gore and splatter which would certainly have helped a lot. And apart from the intro scene there weren't any boobs, I mean come on, what's wrong with these film makers!!

One thing that was cool about the movie is Tiffany who plays the fish scientist woman; She had a few pop hits in the 80s (I don't actually remember her) and with her curvy figure and 8 to 10 kilos too many in her luggage she's not really your usual hero-guy's typical love interest, and for that alone I applaud the film makers!! (uh, the fact that I've grown up on John Waters films and... appreciate... women with a 10+ kilo overweight in their luggage has nothing to do with my appreciation! Not at all. I said not at all!!). Oh, and it seems Tiffany has found her platform in the film world; apart from THIS killer fish film, she has also been in MEGA SHARK VERSUS GIANT OCTOPUS and MEGA PYTHON VS. GATOROID (of which I have seen neither).

I paid DKK 50 for this (second-hand at Blockbuster) which was clearly too much. I'd say it was worth DKK 25 at the most. There were no extras what so ever. I mean like zero! Not even a stinking trailer. The cover looks cool though!

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